The Wisdom of the Ages (Reader Participation Encouraged!)

"The holidays. . . ." in any of the four seasons they are designed to mark, often send me right back to my youth and memories of people I knew, things learned along the way; I suspect these occasions have a similar effect on most of us. Over the years, different bits of advice on how to get through life often have come to mind again at such times.

For instance, my mother told me "never leave the house dressed like a shluch!" More about this cryptic message in a moment.

But first, another essential nugget to live by, and also a veritable mantra that the entire family- nay, an entire race- frequently paid fealty to- that well known homily that warned emphatically (if somewhat ominously) "don't be a schmuck!"

These two admonitions, deceptively simple, merit further consideration and deeper analysis if one is truly to understand the correct way to live. On the most basic level, why would you want to dress like a shluch or act like a schmuck, and thereby court personal Armageddon? Would anyone choose to do this, unless they simply did not know better? And frankly, one should always know better.

More to the point, exactly what is a shluch? How do you pronounce this word, and why should you never, ever contemplate walking out the door looking like one?

The correct way to pronounce shluch (sometimes anglicized as shluck, an offshoot of shlock) has you saying it with a guttural "h' at the end, as if you're choking; and in the context of how this terrifying term generally is used, certain horrible insinuations flow  freely from it regarding specific fashion gaffs. At least that was my understanding. Let's just say that it indicates something much, much more than merely being disheveled, disarrayed, disarranged, rumpled or even bedraggled. In the literal sense of its definition in fact it may even be lesser in its implication of bad dressing than one might imagine, depending on the particular outfit; however as you already may have guessed, philosophically and sociologically this condition indisputably can herald nothing short of a major, major disaster concerning your future.

Let me provide some examples: 
-a shluch may let her slip show beneath her hem, if she wears one.
Does anyone still wear one? A slip?? This is of no importance. What matters is that if a shluch does choose to wear one, this is precisely the kind of unsightly and upsetting fashion debacle that may very well ensue. To add insult to injury in the eyes of any potential viewer, such a shluch may not even have the sense to be embarrassed about the slipped slip- further proof of something not good, and certainly nothing to be emulated but avoided at all costs. I'm quite sure that your mothers told you something quite similar, perhaps using a different word.

-another example of shluch behavior would be the donning of clothes that seem ill fitting in some way, even imperceptibly, as this very well could be the undeniable, almost signature mark of a shluch. Again, there is a subtle, qualitative rationale to the rating of this misstep in the shluch hierarchy. A schluch could be dressed in brand new togs, expensive, non-sale items that were completely, outrageously overpriced and no one ever tried on before. But if they hang. . . or the sleeves are too long. . . .

-and finally, needless to say it goes without saying that we should not even mention fabric that appears to look creased when this condition was never meant to be part of the original, manufacturer's "look. . . ." It's just too upsetting to even contemplate such a gross, shluchy misstep.

-it's like this: you want to put your best foot (and torso, hips, arms, legs, neck, shoulders, thighs and the like) forward at all times. No one will take you seriously if you dress like a shluch. Do you know what could befall you if you dress like a shluch?!? Think about it. Don't believe what they tell you, about anything. It's all about not dressing like a shluch! Everything. This is what it's all about.

I think I've made my point, and if you were paying attention it's well taken. Let's move on to an issue of yet more seriousness, one that requires extreme caution in eluding, that is if you know what's good for you. Hopefully you do know what's good for you.

You never, ever, ever, not in a million years, ever want to have anyone look you straight in the eye with pitying, contemptuous exasperation and let fly with the dreaded words you're such a schmuck. . . . 

The expletive when hurled at you in this manner is sooooo much worse than having people saying these things behind your back (as for example, what a schmuck. . . ), because in the latter scenario you may not realize folks are dissing you since you are not present, and it may all just be malicious gossip anyway. But to have this said to your face. . .  this does not bode well. You did something that spells L-O-S-E-R, or worse, I-D-I-O-T, and someone else- possibly quite a few others- know about this action. It's incontrovertible, you did it. You did something schmucky and acted like a complete and utter schmuck. This never feels good.

On the other hand, don't be such a schmuck tossed out at you almost sotto voce indicates something quite different, maybe a singular, qualifying, absurd mistake, perhaps a one shot deal of complete idiocy, and therefore the implication is that you may not always be a schmuck, but just watch yourself anyway. . . . 

A variation on this theme is when you metaphorically beat your own breast and say how could I be such a schmuck??? This indicates the worst kind of judgment error on your part, in cards or shopping or love or maybe real estate, the kind of unabashed schmuckiness in a particular instance (like a major life decision) that allowed you to be taken advantage of, or simply put perhaps you somehow managed to do yourself in with another kind of extremely obvious, incredibly stupid and ill-conceived schmuck-like behavior that then had intensely deleterious consequences. And honestly, it's so bad that you really can't get solace from the ol' "no one's perfect" adage. In this case you have to live with it. You may get over it. Or not. Hopefully yes.

And lastly of course is the condition of terminal shmuck-dom, but the miserable souls who are infected with this lifelong plague are too annoying to even talk about; usually they have no friends because they don't deserve any and even their enemies are easily bored with them. So why waste time thinking about this variety, or the particular condition, as it only affects total schmucks? You're never going to have anything to do with them anyway, unless you have to. And alas, probably you will have to at some point because most of us do. And it won't be pretty. Get over it. Put it behind you. 
Not surprisingly, the field of politics often attracts this type.

But everyone seems to fail at one time or another, and examples of being an ordinary schmuck in everyday life are myriad, ubiquitous, they surround us and are everywhere we look. There simply are too many to mention, a billion contexts and situations in which this can happen- just fill them in yourself. The word has made it into the English dictionary and clearly we all know what it means. It's worldwide and has no borders. Just look around.

And so this particular diatribe of mine once again reminds me why I have finally accepted that I never will be a self-actualization trainer, devoted zen acolyte or one of those ludicrously obnoxious, insanely positive goof balls who is perennially smiling; nonetheless, the common sense bestowed upon me by elders, about the essential precepts of shluchs and schmucks, admittedly has helped get me through. . . .

Reading helped too.
Even Polonius, insufferable schmuck that he was (the archetype of a total schmuck!), had a point or two in his parting speech to Laertes. Don't do this son, definitely do that, blah blah blah endlessly on and on, and yet all with a grain of truth!
But aye, there's the rub.
For in that sleep of never daring to leave the house looking like a shluch, nor for one instant acting like a schmuck, what dreams may come. . . . 
It truly is the undiscovered country, that lifelong business of eluding shluch-dom and schmuck-dom. Like everyone else, I've had my regrets, but at least I was warned. 

What golden nuggets of folksy wisdom learned at the knee do you have tucked under your belt that you would like to share with us?