Sprightly at the Seashore with Downton (Nothin’ But Spoilers!)

After the final episode of Season Four of Saga Grantham last Sunday night, in all its glorious ninety minutes or so of fantastically idyllic and exquisitely coiffed endings, I had the persistent urge to hum “Tiptoe Through the Tulips,” the irrepressible Jazz Age ditty so campily revived by Tiny Tim in the late 1960’s.

C’mon folks, is it really just a hop, skip and a jump to dispensing with Anna’s dastardly violator via a careless push in front of a fast moving trolley? Between the forgery, the pick pocketing and those inscrutable looks, the episode could more aptly have been named “The Long Hand of Bates.” Edith surprisingly assumed the distinction of best dressed slut of the season- I particularly liked that black print sleeveless number with vague intimations of something “oriental” as she assures Lord G. she would never do anything to hurt him- and the hapless, feckless Moseley turns out to be quite a guy after all! Who would have known? Barrow has reverted to his vile recidivist behavior and as my friend Paula so perceptively pointed out “there is no finer person than Mrs. Hughes.” Anywhere. On the planet. At all. Ever. Suitors abound, Lady Mary is thinner and more slickly cutting and cutting edge than ever, and those brash Americans give ‘em a run for their fast disappearing money, though for the love of me I could not imagine why Paul Giamatti was decked out in a penguin suit and not drinking pinot noir in mid coast wine country instead.

I positively hated the sight of a slightly unfrocked Carson timorously dipping his toesies into the bubbling surf (dare I intimate “oncoming tide?”) with the help of the sainted, though strangely jocular housekeeper, but I more or less swallowed everything else whole. And of course I imbibed shamelessly again the following night on WLIW, lack of HD notwithstanding. Waiting these next eleven months will not be easy, and so I’ve constructed a small entertainment to occupy my post-post Edwardian sensibility and am hoping fervently that my readers will join in the fun:

What could possibly happen in Season Five (to follow Fellowes as it were)??? Entries do not have to be 25 words or less, it’s fine if you’re related to the producers, this is no holds barred millennium recession fantasy, so bring ‘em on! All submissions will be considered.